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Check out these gems for a belly laugh or two. Send in more jokes as we always need a good laugh. E-mail them to nick@nlappage.freeserve.co.uk New jokes will always be placed at the top of this page.

One day, a man was drinking a beer in the pub, as he met a very smart guy. In their conversation, the man asked "so what is your speciality?".
"Logics" replied the other.
"Logics,... well, what is that exactly?"
"I'll give you an example: Do you have an aquarium?"
"Euh.. yeah.."
"So you like fish..."
"I suppose so."
"Then you like animals in general"
"Well yeah..."
"So, since women are human, and humans are animals too, you like women..."
"Yeah!"
"Well, That is logics!"

The man, really interested in this logics-thing, went to one of his colleagues the next day at work, and started talking about who he met, and what he said. But the colleague didn't know logics either so he asks for an example.

"Do you have an aquarium?"
"No"
"Then you are gay!"

An engineer, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven".

The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

The engineer then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A woman who had been complaining of pains in her upper body and feeling
generally unwell, arrived home after a visit to her doctors,

"Well" said the husband, " tell me what the doctor diagnosed as the problem,

she replied, that after a doing a full examination of her, the doctor had
had told her that she had a really nice fanny.

The husband enraged by this comment, stormed down to the doctors, burst into
his surgery, grabbed the terrified doctor and pinning him up against the
wall demanded to know what he meant by telling his wife that she had a
really nice fanny.

The doctor replied "I don't know what you're talking about, what I said to
your wife was SHE HAD ACUTE ANGINA"


A professor at the University of Auckland New Zealand is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:

"How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Kiwi student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies," Ghost? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said "goats"!!

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.

He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

The zoo is not very busy this morning.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in
front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl,
the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one
hand and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his
free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is
funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow
some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips,
wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of
fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla
absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open
the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla
and slams the cage door shut.

Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Thanks to Steve Hall who sent  the following few:

For those of us that have, like me, ever used a Haynes Manual:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!


Q. Why are there no ashtrays in Michael Barrymore's house?

A. Because he puts his fags out in the swimming pool.

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........ "Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT."

These are letters sent to housing associations and councils throughout the UK:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
...and their 18 year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink that is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
 We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Would you please send a man to mend my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 4am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had a clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I can't take it any more.
That is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

 

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Last modified: February 04, 2010